In the November after bringing Charlotte home a dear friend taught me how to knit. I needed something to do during the hours while Charlotte napped. My Mum had always advised sleeping while your baby sleeps but I have never been good at daytime napping and, despite being emotionally exhausted from the pain of losing Esme, my mind felt too on edge to sleep. Continue reading “Survival”



As soon as the girls were born I felt broody. It didn’t feel natural and that often made me confused. I had given birth to my girls, they were here with me, so why was I experiencing this overwhelming feeling of broodiness? Continue reading “Hope”

Turning a corner

Gaining control of my life

Fifteen months after saying goodbye to Esme, I feel like a different person. Despite enduring the toughest few years of my life, I am in the best emotional place I have ever been. I feel in touch with my mind and emotions and able to listen to what my body is telling me. Continue reading “Turning a corner”

A First for Everything – Summer


June was a big month for spending time away from Charlotte.

As much as I dreaded leaving her and working full time for the next seven weeks, returning to work wasn’t as bad as I thought. The hardest part of the day was saying goodbye to Charlotte and I would have to play the radio very loud for the first five minutes of the journey. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Summer”

A First for Everything – Spring



At the start of the month I began my bereavement counselling. I was a nervous wreck before my first session and I didn’t know what to expect. I congratulated myself for arriving with plenty of time to spare, had a drink of water, reapplied my favourite lipstick and stepped out of the car. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Spring”

A First for Everything – Autumn & Winter

Our first year without Esme.

On many occasions during the first year without Esme, I was anxious about life without her or thought that I should be spending the day with both of my daughters or worried about how I would cope, especially if I wasn’t in the comfort of my own home. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Autumn & Winter”

Still a Mummy of Twins

In the initial weeks after bringing Charlotte home, I put stars up all over our house. Just like I felt closer to Esme when I was out walking the dogs, seeing the stars everywhere in the house made me feel closer to her indoors. Continue reading “Still a Mummy of Twins”

For my husband

22nd September 2016

Dear Grief

I’m afraid to tell you, that you have created a ridge between myself and my husband. I hate you for it. You are the one thing that I want to talk to my husband all about but he won’t let me. Continue reading “For my husband”