Happy 4th Birthday Esme Campbell

A letter to my baby girl in the sky

 

Hello my little love,

Mummy here, hope you’re having a super wonderful time up there. I’ve been very busy chasing your brother and sister everywhere and feeding them snacks and honey sandwiches 99.9% of the time!! I’ve also been chatting to my psychotherapist. I tell Charlotte about her and that I need help with understanding how I’m feeling. Last night I chatted about you and how I’m feeling with regards to you turning four. It was a big session. I hurt, my heart felt crushed but yet I am now aware that I’ve been freed of an unconscious trauma I had no idea I was carrying.

Continue reading “Happy 4th Birthday Esme Campbell”

Leaving my girl behind

Leaving my girl behind

“I didn’t want to leave her behind.”

All day yesterday, I had been thinking deep thoughts about what I was doing with my life, other than ‘being mum’. The main thought being, “Why did I feel this need, urge and dedication to be connected to the neonatal unit?” Continue reading “Leaving my girl behind”

Am I ok?

Pre-school

I didn’t intend Charlotte to start pre-school until next March, 2019. I wanted to wrap her up in cotton wool for another winter, have another year of allowing her lungs to become stronger and protect her from catching any nasty coughs or colds. I hoped to avoid her being admitted to hospital again this winter. Continue reading “Am I ok?”

Sleep Training

How did I come to the decision to sleep train Archie?

As far as I can remember, I didn’t have any problems with sleep with Charlotte. I’m pretty certain she went to having just one feed at around 3 or 4am at an early age and didn’t experience any four month sleep regression. From memory, I got a good night’s sleep, well at least enough hours under my belt to be able to function and string a sentence together.

Archie, on the other hand, just about broke me. Continue reading “Sleep Training”

Archibald James Campbell

I’ve been wanting to write Archie’s birth story since the moment he was born. However, I have barely been able to string two words together let alone write in punctuated paragraphs. Eight weeks later, while Charlotte and Archie are asleep, I’m giving it a go. Continue reading “Archibald James Campbell”

Will my heart feel whole again?

My history with grief

Up until Esme died, I was very fortunate that the only grief I had experienced was that of losing three grandparents. Continue reading “Will my heart feel whole again?”

Third Trimester

Here I am, well into my third trimester with a big bump, a waddle to be proud of and the wonderful feeling of strong kicks throughout the day. For weeks, months, even years, I have dreamt of being this pregnant. There is such a big sense of achievement, relief and hope that comes with being in my ninth month of pregnancy. Continue reading “Third Trimester”