As soon as the girls were born I felt broody. It didn’t feel natural and that often made me confused. I had given birth to my girls, they were here with me, so why was I experiencing this overwhelming feeling of broodiness? Continue reading “Hope”

Turning a corner

Gaining control of my life

Fifteen months after saying goodbye to Esme, I feel like a different person. Despite enduring the toughest few years of my life, I am in the best emotional place I have ever been. I feel in touch with my mind and emotions and able to listen to what my body is telling me. Continue reading “Turning a corner”

A First for Everything – Summer


June was a big month for spending time away from Charlotte.

As much as I dreaded leaving her and working full time for the next seven weeks, returning to work wasn’t as bad as I thought. The hardest part of the day was saying goodbye to Charlotte and I would have to play the radio very loud for the first five minutes of the journey. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Summer”

A First for Everything – Spring



At the start of the month I began my bereavement counselling. I was a nervous wreck before my first session and I didn’t know what to expect. I congratulated myself for arriving with plenty of time to spare, had a drink of water, reapplied my favourite lipstick and stepped out of the car. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Spring”

A First for Everything – Autumn & Winter

Our first year without Esme.

On many occasions during the first year without Esme, I was anxious about life without her or thought that I should be spending the day with both of my daughters or worried about how I would cope, especially if I wasn’t in the comfort of my own home. Continue reading “A First for Everything – Autumn & Winter”

Still a Mummy of Twins

In the initial weeks after bringing Charlotte home, I put stars up all over our house. Just like I felt closer to Esme when I was out walking the dogs, seeing the stars everywhere in the house made me feel closer to her indoors. Continue reading “Still a Mummy of Twins”

For my husband

22nd September 2016

Dear Grief

I’m afraid to tell you, that you have created a ridge between myself and my husband. I hate you for it. You are the one thing that I want to talk to my husband all about but he won’t let me. Continue reading “For my husband”

Life after NICU – out & about

The firsts

Before Charlotte left the neonatal unit she had to do a car seat challenge. This was to make sure she could tolerate being in the car seat for the journey home, without her breathing being affected. Continue reading “Life after NICU – out & about”

Life after NICU – Homelife

Bringing Charlotte home was one of the most exciting yet daunting events of my life.  

My first weeks at home with Charlotte were spent lost in a confused array of emotions. I was filled with love, joy and worry for Charlotte alongside pain, heartache and grief for Esme. Continue reading “Life after NICU – Homelife”